In leiu of a regular coffee chat this month, I have (more) news to share!
(You can listen to me read this news in the audio above, in a more usual coffee chat-style, if you like.)
Actually, it’s not really new news. Not super new, anyway.
You might remember that last year, I started exploring the idea that I might be neurodivergent. I’ve actually been pretty sure I am neurodivergent since last summer.
(An animated journal entry I made last spring, before I knew that I was describing some feelings of executive dysfunction and burnout)
Around that time, in this coffee chat, I explained it using a concept I heard from Andy J. Pizza, about how every muppet is either an order muppet (organized, a list-maker, etc) or a chaos muppet (disorganized, spontaneous, etc.), and although it’s an oversimplification when it comes to people, it can help to think about which kind of muppet you are most like as a person, too. At the time, I said that I felt like a chaos muppet trapped in an order muppet.
This was a huge revelation to me, as a person who was a self-proclaimed “Hermione Granger,” type and “recovering” perfectionist. To even begin to consider, for the first time, that I might, for example, have ADHD was a big, big deal.
This whole chaos muppet trapped in an order Muppet thing is true in a few ways, some of which I didn’t fully realize at the time:
1. I have both order and chaos tendencies
I make lots of lists. I overthink. I overachieve. I plan. I do some things the same way every time. I listen to the same song over and over. But I also do my best creative work when I’m going off-book. I come up with off-the-wall ideas in the spur of the moment. I never follow any recipes fully when cooking. That one song suddenly goes stale and I can’t listen to anything I’ve heard before for awhile.
(These are just some kind of silly examples, but the concepts ring true).
2. So much of the time I've felt like there's some kind of fight between the two inside me.
At different points in my life, I've hidden or tried to forcibly unbury one or the other of these two sides, depending on what I thought was the "right" thing to do, or what was just necessary.
I’ve also learned there’s another reason this analogy made so much sense to me, and felt like a good way to describe my experience:
3. Being one thing trapped in another also describes the feeling of something called masking.
Masking involves subconsciously hiding neurodivergent traits in order to fit into the neurotypical world, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I started spending lots and LOTS of time actively studying how my brain works, and noticing its patterns, and listening to others talk about how their brains work, and comparing my experiences to theirs.
It turns out, I had been masking so well my whole life, I completely hid the extent of my neurodivergence from even myself, and even after I’d been learning about neurodivergence for awhile. It took me months, and LOADS of research, but now I know.
It turns out, I’m actually Autistic (and yep–I have ADHD, too).
There’s a LOT of things that means, and I can’t unpack them all here right now, but first and foremost I want you to know this is a celebration for me to find this out.
It’s helping me to understand myself, and embrace who I am and how I work so, so much better. Since I’ve started really accepting that I’m Autistic, I’ve started using some accommodations for Autistic people that have really helped me. I’ve been using noise canceling headphones, especially when I go out to stores, or when it gets loud in the Airstream because it’s windy or rainy out, or I’m feeling overstimulated by things like the sound of Ethan doing dishes. I’ve started using fidget toys more to stim. I’ve been able to give myself more grace to rest when I need it, knowing my brain processes things differently than a neurotypical person.
Observing and learning what I need (and allowing myself to need it, and take up space) will be a long, difficult, ongoing journey, but I’m slowly learning to adjust my schedule and routines and expectations to better accommodate myself.
I’ve been Autistic my whole life, but knowing I’m Autistic feels like a crossing a threshold into a new chapter of life for me–one where I can more fully accept and love and learn to be myself. Where many of the things I’ve hidden or dismissed about myself make sense. Where more of the pieces come together as a whole picture.
This is part of my identity, of who I am, and the more I’ve been able to understand that, the more I’ve felt that I’ve wanted to share this with you (and on social media, eventually), to both fully embrace myself, and to help others who might be on similar journeys like me. The process of unmasking and learning and becoming will be long, and probably never really end, but I’m excited to be able to share more of it with you, now that you know, too!
I’ll be sharing more about what being Autistic and ADHD means for me in my life and creative practice in the future, and in the meantime, I’ve put together a document that can answer some basic questions you might have, if you want to know more.
You can find more info in the PDF attached below!
Thank you so much, as always, for supporting me on this journey, and for being a safe place for me to become more and more myself as I learn!
***Every Autistic and neurodivergent person is different, so the traits and struggles I've described here for myself won't apply to everyone, and aren't meant for diagnosis. I'm new to this and am learning more every day, but don't pretend to have all the answers. That said, if you're wondering about your own neurodivergence, I'm happy to talk more about it if you'd like to shoot me a message. 🧡 I wouldn't be here sharing this news with you if it weren't for other kind, supportive Autistic people who shared their experiences with me (shout out to Sarah Shotts who first nudged me to start exploring), and if there's any way I can help others, I will! ***
The Muppet Question Returns...